[Debate] (Fwd) What financiers tell each other about life - Goldman gossip (not verified but funny)

Mon Jan 9 19:20:22 GMT 2012

https://twitter.com/gselevator

GS Elevator Gossip

@GSElevator New York / London / Hong Kong
Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman 
Sachs elevators. Email what you hear to elevatorgoldman at gmail.com

[classic] #1: Riding the subway reminds me why I am pro-choice.
23 hours ago
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#1: Europe is starting to make African leaders look competent.
21 hours ago
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Skirt #1: I love it when a guy hits on me & then gives me a business 
card with a gmail account. Asshole, I work at Goldman Sachs.
23 hours ago
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#1: I don't care about the fucking money, but green tea at Starbucks is 
a fucking ripoff.
6 Jan
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#1: Bank of America is the Kmart of banks. #2: Kmart sucks. #1: Thanks, 
Rain Man.
6 Jan
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#1: The 40% of Obama voters who don't have jobs aren't getting out of 
their beanbags to vote this time around.
6 Jan
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#1: Under Bush, 5% unemployment was a disaster. Under Obama 8.5% is a 
boom. #2: Affirmative action.
6 Jan
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#1: The British have had multi-family homes for decades. #2: The British 
have been embracing mediocrity since 1945.
6 Jan
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#1: The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they 
really are is the fabric holding our society together.
6 Jan
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[Talking implants] #1: Thinking about it. My GF wants them, and actually 
thinks they're a present for her. #2: (laughs) Ask Matt Defusco.
5 Jan
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A#1: Hey asshole, which one of the P90X steps is it where you have to 
tell everyone in the fucking office that you're doing it?
5 Jan
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#1: Romney's the type of consultant asshole who uses chopsticks at the 
table even when the Chinese people are using forks.
5 Jan
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MD#1: Markets go up... Markets go down... We always make money.
5 Jan
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#1: 2012 is all about girls born during the Clinton administration.
5 Jan
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#1: The difference between us and everybody else is that, even in a bad 
year, we still make the playoffs.
5 Jan
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ED#1 (to 1st year analysts): If I ever hear about something I say 
mentioned on Twitter, I'll fucking kill you.
4 Jan
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#1: Nothing says 'I was a filthy whore last year' like 'I'm giving up 
hard alcohol in 2012.' #2: My girlfriend gave up hard alcohol.
4 Jan
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#1: FIFO / LIFO season re-starts right after comp… First In, First Out… 
Or, Last in, Fuck Off.
4 Jan
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#1. Marching orders for the media in 2012, 'everything is a sign of a 
recovery.'
4 Jan
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#1: Rick Santorum looks like he enjoys jerking off in vacant Sunday 
school classrooms.
4 Jan
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Suit #1: A new year. Time for a new slampiece.
4 Jan
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#1: In 2011, Chinese bought more Lambos & Rolls-Royces than anyone else. 
#2: Social unrest is coming. 900 million have-nots w/ pitchforks.
3 Jan
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#1: Only 55% of Americans between the ages of 16-29 have jobs. #2: Fuck 
them. They got that ass clown elected in the first place.
3 Jan
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#1: I like to ask candidates what song they'd walk out to before a 
heavyweight title fight. #2: Easy. Ruff Ryders Anthem.
3 Jan
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MD#1: Handshakes and tie knots. I don't have time for someone that can't 
master those basic skills.
2 Jan
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#1: Skinny jeans and a fur coat. Looks sexy as hell, but reeks of 
high-maintenance. #2: High-maintenance is sexy.
2 Jan
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#1: The white board in the conference room looks likes Fermat's Last 
Theorem. #2: Erase it just in case it was the janitor.
2 Jan
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#1: Hey fat fuck, I already know what your resolution is.
2 Jan
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#1: Whenever I see a black guy with my last name, I can't help but 
wonder if my family used to own his.
2 Jan
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#1: I measure how hammered I am by my ability to recite every line from 
'Caddyshack.'
2 Jan
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MD#1: If you're not dead to at least 1 person, you're not living right.
1 Jan
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#1: Why do people wear wool if they know cashmere exists?
1 Jan
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#1: There is actually no such thing as turtleneck weather.
1 Jan
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Signing off for 2011: Remember, right now, someone somewhere is probably 
having a hot iron rod jammed up their ass. Life could be worse.
1 Jan
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#1: 2012 is going to make 2011 feel like 2007. #NoahBuiltTheArkBeforeTheRain
31 Dec
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#1: 2 weeks of family time. I'm ready for a FBT to let some bad out. #2: 
FBT? #1: Fake Business Trip.
31 Dec
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#1: This meeting's gonna suck. I'd rather watch the Kardashians play 
Scrabble. #2: Actually, that sounds awesome.
31 Dec
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#1: Rick Perry has single-handedly proven Darwin wrong. #2: And he would 
take that as a compliment.
31 Dec
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Wow. Thx! RT @Oprah Our award for Best Twitter Account of 2011 goes to 
@GSElevator - refreshing, intelligent, funny, & insightful.
31 Dec
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#1: I'm gonna open a gym that turns into a bar after January.
30 Dec
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#1: Wearing a Rolex is like driving an Audi. It says you've got money, 
but nothing to say.
30 Dec
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#1: When it doesn't matter how much the drinks cost, it's always happy hour.
30 Dec
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#1: She's only about 3 weeks of anorexia away from looking hot. #2: Maybe 4.
29 Dec
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1: Look thru her passport. You can usually tell if the relationship is 
worth pursuing. (Laughs) 3 stamps, and they all say 'Cancun.'
29 Dec
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A#1: Think about how much higher unemployment stats would be if so many 
black guys didn't call themselves 'entrepreneurs.'
29 Dec
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#1: Mission Impossible 4 is the coolest commercial I've ever seen.
29 Dec
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#1: I'm a regular at 4 different Nobu's. #2: 2002 me would have been 
impressed.
29 Dec
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#1: Obama is aging fast enough for Morgan Freeman to play him in a movie.
28 Dec
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#1: What's the most shocking thing a German tourist can say to a hooker… 
'Can I pay in Euros?"
28 Dec
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#1: Money might not buy happiness, but I'll take my fucking chances.
28 Dec
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#1: Groupon… Food stamps for the middle class.
28 Dec
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#1: Everything points to things getting worse in 2012. We need to be 
pragmatic about what in our pipeline is executable. #ShittingBRICs
28 Dec
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#1: What he lacks in social skills, he makes up in wallet.
28 Dec
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#1: You're tired of being an analyst? Get over it. Every great porn star 
had to do a gay scene once or twice just to move up.
28 Dec
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#1: Obama's gone golfing 90 times in less than 3 years as president. 
That’s about three months of golf.
28 Dec
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#1: I've hated everyone I've ever met who owns a Prius.
27 Dec
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#1: I can't wait until next week is this week, and this week is last 
week. And then this year will be last year.
27 Dec
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Skirt #1: I can always tell a banker within the first 2 minutes of 
meeting him in a bar... because he tells me.
27 Dec
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WINNER: The Best Christmas Card of 2011 pic.twitter.com/rWeAj6AG
27 Dec
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#1: Told my wife her presents get deferred over 5yrs w/ a clawback if 
she doesn't behave. And she loses them all if she walks away.
26 Dec
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#1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa 
loves rich kids more.
25 Dec
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#1: Drake is the Rachael Ray of rap music.
25 Dec
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#1: IQ tests don't mean shit. #2: That's just something stupid people say.
25 Dec
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#1: Cigars, watches, wine. I understand that. But Air Jordans? #2: Those 
people are shoe connoisseurs.
24 Dec
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#1: This Christmas, I went to Jared... He works at the Graff on Madison.
24 Dec
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#1: Double-breasted, peak-lapel suits look retarded. #2: I have a 
one-button peak-lapel suit for going out. #1: Nah, thats dope.
24 Dec
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#1: That fuckstick is qualified to be an MD in the same way that The 
Olive Garden is qualified to be Italian food.
24 Dec
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#1: By now, protesters just look like pigeons to me.
24 Dec
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[3PM Friday] #1: I need at least a few fucking drinks. It's 'Love 
Actually' night.
24 Dec
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#1: $1,000. I had Andy Rooney, and Amy Winehouse, and Steve Jobs. #2: 
That's awesome.
24 Dec
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#1 (on physical gold): If you don't have it, you don't own it.
23 Dec
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[classic] #1: Hermes ties are like Jordans for white people.
23 Dec
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#1: Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved 
for retirement. #2: Fuck. That wouldn't cover a ski weekend.
23 Dec
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#1: My wife is basically Pay-Per-View.
23 Dec
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#1: Anyone that puts CFA and MBA on their business card is a cunt.
22 Dec
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#1: My fiancé wants to make the NYTimes wedding section. #2: Christ, 
that's vulgar.
22 Dec
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#1: Don't bitch about your apartment. If you want a gated house on a 
golf course, go be some dogshit CFO in Cleveland.
22 Dec
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#1: I'm going Roethlisbergering tonight.
22 Dec
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#1: Scumbag Jimmy Carter sent condolences to North Korea. #2: Obama 
sends his regrets that he never got the chance to bow to KJI.
22 Dec
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#1: Either Facebook sucks, or my friends suck.
22 Dec
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#1: I started winning the day I was conceived.
21 Dec
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#1: Ronald Reagan always spent Christmas in DC so more Secret Servicemen 
could spend it with their families. #aloha
21 Dec
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#1: I asked him what his life goal is, and he said 'to make the obituary 
in The Economist.' #2: Great answer. #hired
21 Dec
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#1: I'm sure that Kim Jong Un is sorely missed by the Xbox community by now.
21 Dec
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#1: I love watching Asian guys smell and swirl their wine obnoxiously. 
And then their faces get all blotchy. Pussies.
21 Dec
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#1: I'm rich, but not give-up-my-US-passport rich… Yet.
21 Dec
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#1: I help with the recruiting effort, or as I call it, the Office 
Beautification Project.
20 Dec
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#1: If people never trust a skinny chef, they shouldn't want their 
bankers to be poor.
20 Dec
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#1: I'd never get away with giving my wife something for Christmas that 
I'm supposed to give her anyway. #SorryLexus
20 Dec
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[classic] #1: I wish I invested in poverty. It's up 60% since 2001. #2: 
We did.
20 Dec
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#1: It's definitely remote-control helicopter week in the office.
19 Dec
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#1: From my experience, most people really should have lower self-esteem.
19 Dec
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#1: 1 in 7 Americans has at least 10 credit cards. #2: Fucking morons.
19 Dec
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#1: Ryan Gosling would play me in a movie.
19 Dec
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#1: It feels like it did in '07, but w/ more political uncertainty, and 
a cracking BRIC. #2: And the Fed's out of bullets.
18 Dec
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[Trading Floor] #1: Hey. When you get head, do you put your hands on the 
dumpster or on the homeless guy's shoulders?
18 Dec
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#1: What's the difference between John Paulson and Father Christmas? #2: 
What? #1: Some people still believe in Father Christmas.
18 Dec
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#1: Call me an optimist, but I manscape every Thursday.
17 Dec
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#1: Met her parents for the first time. Have to put her long-term rating 
on review for downgrade. #JamieLeeCurtisGenes
17 Dec
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#1: There was a time when people would save up for things they wanted to 
buy.
17 Dec
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#1: 'Whom.' It's 'with whom.' Not 'who.' #2: Suck it.
17 Dec
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#1: My charity work begins & ends with black tie galas. And if drunk me 
is the highest bidder on a signed Springsteen guitar, so be it.
17 Dec
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#1: I don't see any midgets out there protesting any more. I guess they 
all got seasonal jobs.
16 Dec
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#1: His CV showed him going from MD at Bear Stearns to Director at 
JPMorgan. He's like the Benjamin Button of finance.
16 Dec
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#1: Fuck that. When I was an analyst, I had to eat an entire 'wasabi 
roll'. What we called team-building, you faggots call bullying.
16 Dec
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#1: Listerine breath strips. That's like sizzurp for white people.
16 Dec
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#1: Bribery, corruption… It's the cost of doing business in emerging 
markets. As Mao said, 'no fish can live in pure water.'
16 Dec
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#1: Dude, she's the piñata of Christmas parties. Always gets smashed, 
and anyone can hit it.
15 Dec
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#1: Chris Farley would have been an awesome Barney Frank. #2: But an 
even better Khloe Kardashian.
15 Dec
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#1: FYI… Every time one of you says 'epic', all I hear is 'fucking stupid'
15 Dec
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#1: My biggest New Years resolution... To not change a fucking thing.
15 Dec
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#1: On our anniversary, I send my wife flowers with a Congratulations card.
15 Dec
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#1: She wants the person I am 10% of the time, 100% of the time. #2: 
That's you not being you. #EndIt
15 Dec
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#1: Sending flowers to her office is like a big neon sign to her 
coworkers saying, "The asshole screwed up again."
14 Dec
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#1: My only inter-racial experience was with a black sock. Once.
14 Dec
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#1: I always take chicks to sushi on a first date. Sake is like a legal 
ruffie.
14 Dec
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#1: We should elect Radio Shack's CEO as President. Only a miracle 
worker can keep a shitty battery store in business for 30 years.
14 Dec
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#1: If you want a friend, get a dog. If you want a friend with benefits, 
find some chick who's in PR.
13 Dec
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#1: In New York, don't trust a banker with a pocket square. In London, 
it's a pinky ring... And in Asia, don't fucking trust anyone.
13 Dec
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A#1: I need a buddy system for December; someone to make sure I get 
home, wake me up on time, and then tell me what happened.
13 Dec
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MD#1: Every horrible wife starts out as an adorable girlfriend.
13 Dec
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#1: A chick I banged once and haven't seen since just added me on 
LinkedIn. #2: She wants you to give her 'the business' again.
12 Dec
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MD #1: We better win some FinanceAsia awards. PMD #1: Fuck them. They 
hate us.
12 Dec
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#1: I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.
12 Dec
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#1: The only reason I do yoga is so I can meet girls. #2: I just tell 
chicks I do yoga.
11 Dec
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[classic] #1: My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.
11 Dec
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#1: I never give money to homeless people. I can't reward failure in 
good conscience.
10 Dec
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#1: He's got 1,800 Facebook friends, and can't get 40 people to go to 
his wedding.
10 Dec
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#1: If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
10 Dec
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[Classic] #1: My last meal? I want to go out like I fucking came in. 
Breastfed.
10 Dec
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#1: Swinging by Tiffany's to buy a gift. #2 (looks cynically): Why don't 
you get her something nice?
9 Dec
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#1: Not wearing a watch is the new Patek.
9 Dec
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#1: Europe is one big gordian knot. #2: What's that? #1: How'd you get 
this job?
9 Dec
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#1: There's no such thing as a hopeless situation, just hopeless people 
in situations.
9 Dec
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MD#1: This cover-your-ass-and-escalate-all-decisions ethos is bullshit. 
It never used to be like this. #ABACUS
9 Dec
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#1: If I were single and always sober, I wouldn't need to password lock 
my iPhone.
9 Dec
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#1: Getting rich isn't that hard. Any hot girl with questionable morals 
can do it.
8 Dec
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A#1: I'm planning a night I won't remember.
8 Dec
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#1: Being a Republican voter is like being a mid-30s chick, you'll just 
have to settle. And you've probably had better.
8 Dec
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#1: Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling 
them 'pussies?'
8 Dec
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#1: My wife thinks alcoholism is totally acceptable as long as she calls 
it 'brunch' and does yoga first.
7 Dec
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#1: I bet the 1st time John Paulson had sex, he was awesome. Then a huge 
disappointment ever since. #2: Yeah, I'm in his merger arb fund.
7 Dec
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#1: My liver must look like Oprah without makeup.
7 Dec
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#1: I sent a Happy Pearl Harbor Day message to a few guys in Tokyo. Told 
them I expect a Congratulations back on August 6th & 9th.
7 Dec
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#1: Flying squirrels must get all the squirrel pussy. Think about that, 
hotshot.
7 Dec
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#1: I just typed a long e-mail out on my Blackberry while sitting in 
front of my computer. Time for a Starbucks run.
7 Dec
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#1: Equity markets have plenty of good news priced in. Rates have plenty 
of fear built in… And one of them is wrong.
7 Dec
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#1: Seriously… that idiot hedging an oddlot position with futures is 
like a fat chick buying a rape whistle. #verbatim
7 Dec
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#1: How'd you get your nails like that? Shiny, but not too shiny. #2: I 
get them buffed twice. And no enamel, too over-the-top for a guy.
6 Dec
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#1: I actually like watching CNBC. It's as if The Wall Street Journal 
got fucked by ESPN2.
6 Dec
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#1: I saw John Voight last night. #2: The dentist?
6 Dec
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[classic] #1: The Euro is dead. They're just bickering over who pays for 
the funeral.
6 Dec
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#1 (on the long term potential of new girlfriend): Good school. Good 
family. Good genes. Probably breeding material.
6 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
#1: Seeing Jerry Seinfeld tonight at Lincoln Center. #2: I'd be jealous 
if it was 1996.
6 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
Skirt#1: I have a Birkin bag, but I think it's totally inappropriate for 
client meetings.
5 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
#1: If you don't know who Lew Glucksman was, you don't belong on the 
trading floor. #2: You don't belong on Wall Street.
5 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
#1: Dude, you can't call someone Corky.
5 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
#1: It's a make-or-break week for Europe. #2: They say that every 
week...The EU has more rescue plans than Obama has vacation days.
5 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
#1: The biggest problem that most people have with Christmas is that 
they're poor.
5 Dec
GS Elevator Gossip
GSElevator GS Elevator Gossip
#1: A red pen on the trading floor used to get an analyst shit-canned. 
#2: Still would, if caught by the right person. #1: Old school.
5 Dec
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